Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I'm Going to Blame This One on Drugs

The late 1960s and early 1970s were a confusing and awful time. A time of great social upheaval, experimentation with spirituality, drugs and sexuality. But mostly it was a time of the most truly ugly clothes.. like these pants. You really should be high to wear these.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Have a Bang Up 4th of July!

I've been having a busy hands couple of weeks after finding twenty skeins of a certain yarn I wanted to make a rug out of at the Dollar Tree. Instead of the usual 7 or 8 bucks a skein this was only a dollar a skein, priced to move.

But that hasn't stopped me from enjoying the bizarre spectacle that is Independence Day projects others have done in time for this 4th.

For the gents these perfectly hot and itchy yarn shorts for the 90 degree heat:

Love the golden dingle balls!

The ladies projects were a bit more 'weather friendly':

Stay safe and have fun tomorrow! Try not to blow off any bodily appendages with fireworks!

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Fast Crocheted Foods

I have to admit I'm not entirely sure what this is all about but apparently crocheting up junk food is a thing now. These are not necessarily ugly but they are pretty weird.

The why is what gets me. Are these play food stuff for kids? Someone really really really in love with corndogs? What? Why?

I'm as confused as the Candy Corn Fairy is, even if I'm wearing more clothes than her.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

You Wanna Piece of Me?

I sincerely hope this was made for a costume and not for a serious accessory. The model looks unhappy.

Dammit! Now I'm hungry.....

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Stop Trying To Make This Happen!

I picked up the newest issue of Interweave Crochet magazine today and found an article showing guys wearing shorts like these... THESE!!!!!

Now I know some hipster girl started making and selling these things on Etsy and that some idiot writing for Salon or the Huffington Post tried to proclaim that these shorts made up of your granny's old afghans are the newest cool thing, but no. They just look ridiculous, like you're wearing your granny's old afghan. That's not a good luck for anyone. Just thinking about how hot and itchy all that awful cheap Red Heart yarn is against your thighs is enough to make this a no-no for anyone.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Walking on Water Crochet

Did you know you can get a crocheted Jesus online? Order Him up just in time for whatever religious holiday you want. Or make Him yourself.

If Puppet Savior doesn't do it for you just order the larger model.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Poisonous Crochet

Today I had an interesting experience. I was out shopping with a friend and I had to dissuade her from buying a shirt and cowboy hat that only needed torn up jeans and a bandana to make her look like the bastard love child of fat Axl Rose and Bret Michaels of Poison. The hat was a painted straw cowboy hat. Friends do not let friends dress up like Bret Michaels.

Which led me to wonder if there was any bizarre crochet of crochet dolls of the former Poison lead singer. The only doll I found was this dog chew toy of Michaels from his Pet Smart pet toy collection. I'm not sure I understand the corporate logic that equates Michaels with pets. The connection is seriously missing from here.

But apparently some crocheter took her love of Bret Michaels pretty far and did a portrait of him in yarn....she took it pretty far....

Is it just me or does he seem to have fetal alcohol syndrome eyes here?

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Will This Thing Rip Off Your Face?

Sock monkeys are supposed to be cute, cute, inoffensive, sweet and cuddly. This particular sock monkey on this crocheted water bottle pouch looks like he's thinking about biting your face off with his scary sharp teeth the second you are distracted.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Drunk Hat

I have a confession to make. I got just very slightly hammered tonight making a Facebook video that involved a crude drinking game. I'm soberish now but figure this hat is something you might end up wearing after enough tequila shots. Or maybe crocheting it. I don't know....

Friday, June 10, 2016

Toilet Paper Roll Cozies

While some of the older cozies are pretty scary I kind of miss them, the silly kitsch aspect of having a crocheted belled out dress on a doll hiding your toilet paper roll. Sometimes it was a crocheted flower sitting above a pile of ruffled yarn stitches. I seem to remember them in almost everyone I knew homes back in the sixties. Like this one...

Here's a vintage doll skirt hiding the wiping paper...

Here's a more modern one that just made me laugh out loud! I always wondered what I was going to do with my daughter's old Barbies.. now I have inspiration!

And one to give you nightmares! Very imaginative and creative, but... no thanks. I sometimes stumble into the bathroom in the middle of the night and I don't relish jumping out of my skin!

This one is the sweetest...

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Crocheted Toilet Paper? Uh, No Thanks Man...I'll Just Use a Phone Book Page

During my years in fundamentalist Christianity I got to see some pretty creative ways of cutting down on expenses, like yesterday's rewashable homemade sanitary napkins. But one of the ideas that squicked me out the most was the idea of the 'family cloth' - homemade rewashable toilet paper made out of either flannel or crocheted cotton.

Like this...

Lots of fundamentalist Christian mommas with sewing machines and copious amounts of time make these and sell them on Etsy. My question is how on earth can you possibly get these are clean as disposable toilet paper. It seems the amount of bleach, scrubbing and extra laundry expenses would cancel out any sort of savings. Face it, Charmin is just not that expensive. If money is that much of a problem you could always use old phone book pages or catalogs or corn shucks like they did long ago.

I could economize on a lot of things. Toilet paper is not one of those things I would skimp on.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Menstruation and Crochet

So this afternoon in the middle of a pounding blinding headache I got the bad idea to google up the term 'Crocheted Tampon Cozy'....

Most were very cute, like this one..

But then we suddenly slipped into The Dark Side......

First up  crocheted tampons. Okay, so I understand that buying tampons every month can add up and that having a reusable option appeals to some folks... but for the love of God get a Keeper! At least you can run a Keeper through the sanitizer cycle on your dishwasher. These things? Gagging thinking about the soaking and washing of crocheted tampons. Is it even really possible to get them clean-clean, 100% sanitized and ready for reuse without giving yourself Toxic Shock Syndrome or some version of the cotton-clap?

Of if you're a pad wearing kind of a gal they have the crocheted version of that too. No less unsanitary and making laundry day seem like you're doing the laundry at a bad bloody horror movie.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Drag Queens and Eye Balls, Oh My!

Craziest drag queen crocheted costume I've seen in ages. Miss Thang who you trying to keep your eyes on? Eye see you!

Now for the straight white girl version...

That third eye is making me kind of blind...

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Game of Thrones Preciousness

On Sundays I'm going to be posting the crochet projects I love. I've already posted a few good ones like the baby wrap that looks like a kitty right down to the pink paw pads and dumpling kitties.

Today's is someone's take on the major characters from HBO's "Game of Thrones"

Who can resist a tiny Imp or Ice King?

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Tree Cozys?

I think that I will never see a sight as lovely as a tree.... as long as it's not wrapped in crochet.

Yes, I *get* that yarn-bombing is a thing, a real thing. But this seems like someone took it the most extreme level. How are wood peckers supposed to hunt for insects now? Isn't this not the most healthy thing for the bark? I'm so confused.

Monday, May 30, 2016

We Will, We Will.. Haunt You(r Dreams)

For many years I adored the band Queen with their over the top frontman Freddie Mercury. I hitchhiked to see them in NYC and all over the South during the mid 70s. Any time they were coming through my part of the deep south I was there.

So imagine my surprise when I saw that people had crocheted Freddie Mercury dolls and a few people had attempted corkscrew curled guitarist Brian May.. no one had enough love to do drummer Roger Taylor or largely silent bass player John Deacon.

Makes me want to do a crocheted Mott the Hoople, my other favorite 70s band. Here are the good, the bad and the nightmares of Queen.

Cute and so Freddie right down to the copious chest hair.

The hair and the attire on Brian are right on the money. 

Is this Borat and Albert Einstein?


Saturday, May 28, 2016

Red, White and, Ugh, Blows, errr. Blues

Well it's turned hotter than hammered hell here suddenly so it's sit inside under the blasting air conditioning and crochet. With the 4th of July upcoming it's time for a patriotic project. Just don't make it be this one, unless you are seeking to give off those celebrating with cheap beer and bootleg fireworks in the trailer park while trolling for menfolks...

You'd just end up with a hangover and a strange sunburn pattern if you wore this to a picnic on the 4th, or possibly molested by your cousin.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

What Is This? Jon Snow's Long Underwear?

I am thinking even the Night's Watch at the Wall in 'Game of Thrones' wouldn't don this travesty under their black clothing, no matter how long winter lasts and how many White Walkers arrive. Even a Wilding wouldn't wear this.

But I might... if we keep having such extremely cold weather here. Normally it would fall no lower than the 60s here in the spring, but this week it's fallen into the high 30s. Perfect weather to wear this ugly pile of yarn, make some soup and sit around crocheting while watching Netflix..

Sunday, May 15, 2016

That Poor Dude!

I've been too busy to update but here we are again.

One of the things I've often wondered about are those poor males that get forced into modeling duty for the uglier things people crochet. Are the crafters getting them drunk first before having them don these things? Blowjobs promised? What, what? You know there has to be something hinky going on to make a man willingly put on some of these.

This dude looks unnaturally serene, like he's thinking about puppies and poptarts or just ripped a huge bong hit. See what I mean?

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Don't Ever Google 'Crocheted Sex Toy Cozy'

Earlier in the week over at the site I admin No Longer Quivering we quoted a lunatic fundamentalist pastor who warned that women's sex toys contained demons. If women's sex toys had demons in them then wouldn't the batteries last longer and you'd never be able to put them down.

After we all had a laugh over that I googled the above term. Oh lawdy NO! Here are some of the more safe for work things I turned up.

A bunch of sweaters for Mr. Happy.

I even got to see Granny Square abuse in the form of a crocheted dildo. Still not sure what the purpose is. Can you hide your vibrator in there?

And a dildo cozy....

All of which left me feeling like this.........

Thursday, April 14, 2016

How Do You Clean THAT?

Okay, so I know this was crocheted for an artist's show, but damn, what an ugly waste of time. Not such much a yarn waste because that yarn, well, you know.. ugly ugly ugly... and to think I found it because I'd been googling for vibrator cozies. Don't ask.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Dumpling Kitties!

I just love this!

The 1970s Was a Colorful Era

Colorful as in the colors would blind you. Some color combinations seemed like they wanted to invoke a seizure in everyone within a linear mile like an old Nintendo game flashing on the television before you pulled it out and blew gently on the end of it.

Pattern Archive and Counting

Turns out there's a pattern archive for knitting that goes back more than a hundred years. More than 300 pattern books. Okay, so it is knitting, but knitting patterns aren't that difficult to convert to crochet. I'm sure there are hundreds of hideous projects lurking in the pages.

From Open Culture - The Online Knitting Reference Library

..and I leave you with this...

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Soft Kitty, Fluffy Kitty

Nothing snarky to say for a change except I love this snuggly for baby. Pretend your baby is a kitty. Aww, look at those precious pink paw pads!

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Keeping Your Chickens Toasty Warm

There's nothing wrong with this design. I can't even find anything snarky to say about the yarn or the construction. But I have to ask 'Why'? Why crochet a sweater for your chicken? I do not get it.